amusements

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300^o C. The Russians used a pencil.

An ancient palindrome:

Sator, Apero, tenet opera rotas.

Not only does it spell the same back and forth, but the words are spaced properly, and ecce! The first letter of each word spell the first word, the second letters the second word, and so on.

Texan: "Where are you from?"
Harvard Graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
Texan: "Okay. Where are you from, jackass?"

Things To Do When Stuck In An Elevator
1. Ask people on the elevator if they've seen the first part of the movie Speed.

2. Push all the floor buttons. At every floor, get out, look around, mutter, "Looks okay so far," and get back in.

3. Put notices in the elevators that read "Last Inspection: Passed. Next Inspection Due: Jan 87"

4. Use physics to determine how fast the elevator will be going if it free-falls from the top floor.

5. Countdown "5... 4... 3... 2... 1..." and then suddenly duck.

6. Get on the elevator at the top floor and ask, "Going down?"

7. Keep muttering, "I hope it doesn't happen again..."

8. Have a friend with you, but act like he's a complete stranger. After a while, turn to him and say, "Wanna trade?" Then promptly trade wallets.

9. Replace the 3 on the third floor button with the Greek letter pi.

10. Put on a crash helmet, and take one of those mini-trampolines into an elevator. Stand on the trampoline, then say to a friend holding the emergency phone, "Ok, Dave, I'm ready. Let 'er RIP!" (This doesn't quite make sense, but hey, you can't have everything.)

11. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

12. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

13. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

14. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

15. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

16. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

17. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."

18. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

19. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20. Enter the elevator with a friend and have your friend say "I'll take your case but why'd you shoot the guy?" Respond with, "'Cause he kept lookin' at the back of my head."

21. Put on a ski mask, tap the shoulder of the guy in front of you, and politely ask, "Hiya! Do you know how to unjam a pistol?"

22.Enter a medical building with a friend. Get him to ask you, "So what did he say?", then cough, and answer "It's definitely contagious."

Things I Learned from Children

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3 year old child's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan and tie it to a paint can, it does spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (including double pane windows) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush along with the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke (and lots of it).
A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
Certain Lego blocks will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old.
Play-Doh and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCRs do not eject sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably don't want to know what that smell is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does make cats dizzy, however.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.